just a small brown girl livin’ in a lonely world

i love someone and no, not exactly romantically. I mean.. like… do I fantasize about dating them? sometimes… especially at night when I make up scenarios in my head to go to sleep. however that’s always been me, the queen of limerence. i innately feel that we are in each others lives at this time for another purpose potentially larger than love. i’d never even tell him i love him with my entire spirit because i know him enough to know it would scare him off like a baby dear in headlights. i value our deep friendship too much to jeopardize by me revealing shit for the sake of our mortal lives lol. also maybe its more painfully sentimental this way, which is totally my style.

i can’t quite explain it. i think that last time i felt this pureness of loving without any expectation was with my middle school crushes. as a lil fatty growing up, hell actually even an ex adult fatty, liking someone and them liking me in return was always an unfathomable reality. bro,  i was the girl who would cry every night to yiruma’s “river flows in you” (real twilight nerds iykyk) after setting up my freckled middle school lover with my best friend. even now, you have to literally tell me u are hitting on me because i will engage and think you are just a fellow friendly person that is comfortable speaking to strangers. 

yet i digress

but i love this person. because no matter what this person does it cannot piss me off for some reason. the only other people i feel like this towards are my parents and siblings. they can for sure make me sad though, but that’s mostly anything and everyone lol.

 i am a very sensitive person who internally feels extensive emotional pain if I am criticized or someone reveals a harsh truth very bluntly. i’ve managed to navigate this with grace over the years by practicing radical acceptance. yet with this person i am unaffected because my heart knowledge knows they genuinely want the best for me… like they care too much to the point where i can legit see it in their eyes, not because of me specifically, but for the art of the living…if that makes sense. they convey love to people they value in their own detached way for the sake of loving, is the best way i can put it.

and just like that ramen dude, i fall even harder for emotional unavailability.  i love that they will never love me back like I do them. 

i feel very understood by them which contributes to my loving. we don’t relate in many ways, yet we have similar but different lenses of being that allow us to coexist without changing each other. i dont think ive had the tolerance to do that with anyone else before, and i have no idea why it is this person. hell i dont even know how we found each other.. they just popped up in my life like a spring dandelion, and I’d hate for them to turn white and blow away 😦 as fate dictates.

thinking about loosing them or parting ways hurts. but i’ve outgrown holding on to people and things as life has gotten more painful. i love them like a wildflower, never in desire to pluck them by their roots out of the earth, only to have to them die in my vase at home in the name of making him mine. 

i think I’m finally sinking my teeth into my lover girl nature again, and I appreciate that for me. to be able to experience and relish in the innocent intimate act of unrequited love, knowing it can slip away through my fingers at any time, yet my love unchanged and immortal. i feel that ive alchemized in a way after a pivotal crux in my life when all that i loved turned to dust unexpectedly, leaving me with no answers and pure regret.

ultimately, this person has saved me in many ways without knowing just by being themselves. i know he’ll never read this because he would think it’s a waste of time 😭 and I’m not even offended because that’s just how he operates.

hopefully this isn’t too cheesy and weird but everything that is good in life has lactose.

hasta la vista for now babes xxx

ps: the title was my tinder bio in halifax for a very long time. it was actually kind of a hit amongst the average white man. its cringe asf to me now (and i barely cringe at anything). nevertheless, i believing in displaying your shame for the world to see. my laundry be dirty sitting on that one chair in my room, clean clothes unfolded.

-m