edgar allan hoe

it’s a beautiful summer day out. i should be feeling at ease in this uncomfortable yet aesthetically fitting wicker armchair, overlooking the beautiful lake nipissing. no intrusive urban buzzing, no emails or urgent communication requests, just pure vibes.

i am situated above my family on the upper deck partaking in their joy at a distance, or more like an observer. their laughter fills the cottage country air. some of my cousins are in the water swimming around, a few on the lower deck enjoying the view. the parents are all huddled around each other nibbling on their snacks and blasting classic tamil tunes. i notice myself being on guard anticipating a karen to come film us and use us for her tik tok anti-immigration smear campaign. similarly as garlic to vampires, maybe the curry powder kept them away this time. although, while there was no karen, there was something potentially much worse lingering above and within me, a feeling of persistent dread.

i was not doing any of the things my family was enjoying. in my brain i really wanted to go swimming and even if i could if i wasn’t on my period, i don’t think i would’ve hopped in. the dread that holds me back has some grief sprinkled in it. i’m used to feeling dread when navigating feelings of chronic emptiness, but this time round i possess and feel a different propensity of sadness.

the multiverse of melancholy is a painful yet cool thing to navigate. painful because it sucks ass to feel void, suffering and hopelessness. cool because your brain alters fragments of the relational cognitive document it holds with the noun (person, place or thing, i do know you know what a noun is but just in case) you’ve lost, therefore somehow changing you in a new way every time you recall the noun that you’ve lost. loosing people, things, land… can literally mean loosing yourself, but also finding yourself within the loss. this is all dialectical and beautiful shit

right now im hit with it. i feel many different things in different ways, i feel all the things, like that movie “everything, everywhere all at once”. swirling galaxies of grief, some ancient, some newly discovered. that’s the thing about grief. it’s a multifaceted, intertwined, time ascending experience. losses are connected to each other in that way. when you feel one loss, you feel all other losses all at the same time too, sort of like a mycelium network of grief.

on a side note, i just noticed that mushrooms are literally the perfect analogy for grief…. i mean they thrive in damp, dark conditions and are fuelled by decaying matter.

im only writing this because i feel like shit and i feel like shit for feeling like shit. i mean, im by a beautiful lakefront cottage on a beautiful cloudless sunny day, yet my heart feels like it wants to rip itself into one million microscopic pieces. you think i would be good at regulating myself too..i’m a freaking grief support facilitator for christ’s sake. but, it’s kinda easy to coach from afar than to be on the court, if you know what i mean. i am basically kobe bryant rn

even though im pretty frustrated to feel like i am robbed of this opportunity to feel good and at ease, like all feelings, this dreadful one is just an annoying visitor that has decided to barge into my living room, take off his pants, and sit on my couch… although instead of charging them for breaking and entering, they are actually here to offer me further understanding about myself and help navigate my relationship with my grief(s)

the most efficient way to handle this experience is to 1) be aware of what you are feeling 2) accept you are feeling this way even though it may not be an ideal time 3) observe what you are feeling without absorbing and 4) recognize what you have learned from yourself about this feeling 5) practice self compassion

although i am the queen of never being efficient and am the definition of an emotional sponge, i let my grief consume me and was pretty disassociated until a bee flew too close to my ear and my flight or fight system hijacked my suffocating melancholy… it worked though. i was no longer sad.

maybe i should just start beekeeping.. or find a hot beekeeper.

xoxo

pps. it is my birthday tomorrow, don’t talk to me about grieving my 20’s… i still have one more year left though. i shall use it sparingly…. can’t believe we made it this far folks!!! should i mummify myself in spf tonight?

xoxoxo again

-m