april showers bring may flowers

happy last day of april everybody aka bug’s bunny’s day (apparently he was debuted today as “the happy rabbit”). i am happy to report that this month was beyond subpar for me. i actually managed to do significantly more things that bring me joy and wanted to share.

started weight training again (ngl… my trainer is probably my only friend right now and i’ll never complain about that because the energy exchange is on point every time, especially after our post session yap/”gardening” sessions)

watched avatar the last air bender in concert (obviously cried during appa’s last day scenes- him being reunited with aang always always kill me, uncle iroh singing leaves from the vine and anytime i saw kitara and aang romance scenes. this day was super nice though because i also people watched at a small park nearby, it had a fountain littered with bunch of statues of different species of dogs lol. all the kids were marvelled by it. same bro)

solo dates (i’ve been loving solo dates recently… like nothing brings me more joy than enjoying steak bites at chops by myself, or grabbing mall food and scarfing it down by the lakeshore. it’s been saving me)

got a new part time job that i am in love with (probably my favourite mental health related role ever at a non profit i have been connecting with since 2020. this role is a full circle moment for me… literally. i actually manifested working there ever since i noticed it was located at the same community centre where my eelam tamil study group took place. i told a friend at my book club i wanted to work here one day and now i am. i love life right now.

bought a moon cactus. (i used to have a moon cactus named tim when i travelled back and forth between halifax and ontario. he managed to stay alive when i would be away for 3 months. i’d spritz him with water whenever i was home… since he’s a cactus. idk why but the other day i grieved tim a little because he did eventually die …still trying to carl jung this experience. anyways, i got another one from home depot… which i managed to name rick. don’t ask me why all my cacti are named like white truckers. it just came to my heart like how the wand chooses the wizard)

swinging (no…not that kind….for now… just kidding. but in all seriousness, i have always loved going on the swings ever since i was a kid. maybe its nostalgic reinforcement. but actually, swinging aligns with dialectical behavioural therapy approaches. i dont want to bore you with the specifics right now.. but it helps with mindfulness, emotional regulation and distress tolerance)

all in all, april, you have been good to me… the goodest since july. to be honest, i’ve been kind of fucked up and rotting but now, i actually maybe feel something…good.. at times. there are moments, many moments of downfalls due to chronic emptiness. but like a self oiling machine, inspired by the loneliness ridden literature i read, i remind myself that to live is to learn (inspired by the book “the midnight library”, check it out). we maybe only have one chance at this, so let’s all be amor fati, lovers of fate, detached unconditional lovers of life. it potentially makes the suffering easier, more manageable, more divinely. maybe it is a sort of delusion. but whatever works i guess. ps. i hate the term “you can choose to suffer”… because ultimately you don’t. it’s embedded within the human experience. albeit you can choose to be distracted. who said suffering was “bad”. if you disagree let me know. it’s giving a sort of hidden toxic optimism almost. to suffer is to live, ultimately. but who knows, i don’t claim i am all knowing.

anyways. in many ways i have returned home this year. physically home to my parents after a decade, home to my self, and now will be returning home to eelam where i will be visiting my ancestral land for the first time at 28 years old by the end of next month. it will be extra special as i am only going with my appa and he is agreeable with letting me explore solo for 3 weeks. stay tuned. ❤

i hope you are renewed in some way. if not, i sense your time is coming. hang on.

pps. if you hate the name rick for my cactus, suggest some names below.

love ya’llllll xoxo

m